


The Art of Seduction

by arrafrost



Series: Deadpool and Spidey Make a Porno [1]
Category: Deadpool (Comics), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Innuendo, M/M, Roleplay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-27
Updated: 2012-09-27
Packaged: 2017-11-15 03:46:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/522788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arrafrost/pseuds/arrafrost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A plumber, a police officer, a pizza delivery guy, and a mailman. What do these all have in common? They all appear in pornos and as Wade on Peter's front step.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Art of Seduction

**Author's Note:**

> The result of a weird conversation with my friend Erica about my summer of tumblr & porn. As well as being inspired by SecretAgentBob's [Socksual Innuendoes](http://youtu.be/XGRgv04biOk). (warning, I haven't spell check for typos yet)

At this point it was difficult for Peter to pry himself off the couch to answer the door. This was his night, the night he wanted to have to himself to create a Peter-sized impression in his couch as he played hours and hours of Skyrim.

"This better be good." He mumbled as he pulled open the door, regretting it the moment he got a glimpse of who was on the other side.

Wade, clad in his Deadpool outfit, stood there. Smirking under his mask no doubt. Only this time... he had additional equipment that was not firearms or swords. Which was almost more concerning.

"Wade..." Peter started, voice thick with suspicion.

"Hello sir, we have word that you've been having problems with your pipes."

"What are you... are you pretending to be a plumber?" Examining Wade's attire, it did appear that he had all the functional tools to be a convincing plumber...

"Luckily, Merc With a Wrench Plumbing Services is ready to service your pipes any hour of the day."

"You've been watching bad porn again haven't you?" 

"Trust me, I am the most hands-on plumber in the business."

"I bet you are. Go home, Wade. I'm not in the mood for you tonight." And with that, Peter shut the door on his ridiculous not-quite-boyfriend-but-they-had-exclusive-sex-enough-times-to-warrant-that-title. He wasn't sure what had gotten into Wade, although it wasn't that unusual for him to be wearing a costume and expect it to lead somewhere kinky. It just wasn't the night and plumbers were not Peter's thing.

He was about to get settled back into the beginnings of his self-mold in the couch when the doorbell rang again. It was Wade, it had to be, and he should have ignored it and waited until Wade gave up and actually went home. But for some stupid reason, Peter got up and answered the door to find a pizza box shoved into his hands.

"Someone order a large pizza with extra sausage?"

"No." Peter shook his head, putting Wade down immediately. "No one did or ever will. Not from you."

"1-800-Dead-Poo Pizza will have you begging for a slice."

"Not with that number it won't."

"Deadpool has one too many letters..." Wade momentarily slipped out of character, or at least what Peter was assuming character for whatever prank he was trying to pull.

"Yeah, I'm sure."

"You know you want all the meaty toppings."

"And closing the door in your face now." Peter thrust the pizza box - most likely empty - back into the mercenary's hands before shutting the door, leaving boy Wade, weird pizza hat and all, standing dejected in the hallway of his apartment building.

He didn't even get back to the couch before the doorbell rang again. This time Wade was wearing a police helmet, a baton was at his hip, and he was holding up a fake badge. 

"How are you changing so quickly?" Peter examined Wade's body and the empty hallway behind him. He didn't even have a bag with him, where the hell did the pizza box go?

"We've received a noise complaint."

"From who? The plumber or the pizza guy because you should arrest them both."

"Back talk huh? Sir, I'm going to have to handcuff you and frisk you for any dangerous weapons you might be packing."

"Wade I will physically remove you from my apartment building if I have to."

"Subject is becoming belligerent. I'm going to have to lay down the law all over the place."

"Goodbye, Wade."

Peter just barely catching the mercenary yelling  _"My gun almost went off prematurely."_  as the door slammed shut on him. Instead of sitting back down, Peter waited at the door. He heard rushed noises and the ruffling of clothes before the doorbell rang for the third time.

Wade was now a mailman. "I've got some mail for your slot."

Peter stared at him, blank expression.

"And a large package from Mr. Rod."

Peter blinked. Wade tried to hand him the questionable parcel he was holding. The door was closed.

"I haven't even mailed anything yet!" Was the muffled response on the other side of the wood before the same noises as before started up again. Once they had calmed down enough, Peter opened the door without waiting for the bell to ring and Wade started at him in shock and confusion. Nothing Wade was wearing made sense.

"What are you supposed to be now?"

"I'm a lamp repair guy. I'm here to make sure your... lamp... turns on... correctly." Every word of that sentence sounded like a question and Peter couldn't contain his chortle because it was still spoken in Wade's deep and sexy voice.

"Really? You're actually serious with that one?"

"No. Not at all, actually." Wade broke character completely, throwing the lampshade that he was wearing as a hat down on the floor - Peter did not question where he got it from, though he vaguely recalled a lamp of the same color being located down the hallway.

"Then why try it?"

"Because I expected you to invite me in already!"

That made Peter pause. "Wait... so you've been trying to seduce me? Legitimately?"

"Yes!"

"With silly porno innuendos?" 

"I think they're hot..."

"You would."

"So can I come in and have sex with you already?"

Peter stared at Wade, the puppy dog eyes under his mask clearly attempting to get the better of his judgment... although with as much effort as Wade had put in this evening... "Yeah okay." Grabbing Wade by the belt, Peter tugged him inside and pressed him up against the door. "Just no more roleplaying."

"But what if we break a lamp during sex? You might need a lamp repair guy."

"Because that's likely."

By the end of the night, however, Peter wound up wearing the police helmet and making decent use of the handcuffs (where they reappeared from Peter did not question) and they did break a lamp. Only Wade didn't actually know how to repair a lamp, so he replaced it with the lamp he stole from down the hallway and they called it a night.


End file.
